The monster reveals itself

I knew it was a gecko!

I watched the little shadow emerge from behind the airconditioner and scuttle across the ceiling. I'm not sure what it's eating, but it's getting plenty. Georgi freaked out when it crawled down the wall behind her and looked at me through the glass. I tried communicating with it, but I don't speak the gecko dialect. It didn't respond to any of my gestures or facial expression. For all I know, it just wanted a staring contest.

I'm going to try to befriend it. It knows the secret to walking up walls, and I'm going to find out. If I could stick to the walls and ceiling, I could find out what's so exciting about the airconditioner, and what it is Lady Person hides on the top shelf of the cupboard. I could drop onto Guy Person's head when he's not expecting it! That'd be pretty damn funny.

Maybe I'd even find out where the bananas are kept. They're around here somewhere. No secret would be safe from... Wallfoot! Gluefoot, maybe? The Bug-Lizard... Buzzard? No. Super-hero names are hard.

I'll give it some thought.

Superly,
Mikey

Debris-ther

Guy Person led a noisy, odd-looking creature around the house today. I've seen it a few times before. It had a very long, flexible neck, and a crooked body in vibrant colours. It seemed quite intent on sniffing the floor.

What puzzled me most was its apparent lack of concern for the amount of debris it sucked up during its sniffing. The carpet was lovely and clean afterward, I'll grant you, but still, that can't have been pleasant. And imagine if I'd been wandering around at the time! Would it have simply inhaled me as well? I'm not as small as I used to be, so we would both suffer from such an encounter.

Glass walls can be advantageous for multiple reasons, and I'm grateful that Lady Person insists on my return to them.

Morbidly fascinated,
Mikey

Walking

I like my glass house, but from time to time, exercise seems prudent.

I went for a walk outside with Lady Person and Guy Person the other day. Lady Person carried me on her shoulder for most of it, which I didn't mind; she generates her own heat.

I explored a wooden path over a huge, odd-smelling pool and met the strangest creatures I've ever seen, floating around nearby. They looked like birds, but they could swim better than they could fly, and they begged bread from other people passing by. I tried too, but the people gave me odd looks. I must have had something on my face. How embarrassing.

I was surprised by how different the wood felt from my log. Maybe mine's just cleaner. Or not rotting. Ugh. Admittedly, I sat in my water bowl when I got back. I don't know how the dirt collects under my claws so quickly, and I don't want to know what else is hidden in the grime.

The oddest aspect of my ramble with my people is that I can't come up with a clever summary or deep insight about the world. I'm not sure I can even repeat my passionate monologue about the beauty and strangeness of the world. I moved through my walk wide-eyed and entirely passive. Then I returned to my heat rock and had a nap.

Warmly,
Mikey

Did you miss me?

My people have been ill, so I've barricaded myself under my rock. I have no intention of catching a human disease. Unfortunately I couldn't take the internet machine without it being noticed, but with one person away and the other asleep, I think I'm safe to make a quick post.

I've passed the time by considering the underprivileged lizards of the world who don't have carpet to walk on. Imagine having to drag one's stomach over rough terrain. What if a sharp stone were concealed under a thin layer of dirt? Dirt's bad enough without the deception! And then, when it rains, that dirt sticks to your scales as mud! The horror! Don't get me wrong, I like going out to eat pebbles from time to time too, but having to live out there? With the bugs?

Give me good soft carpet any day. It's nice on the underbelly, and provides plenty of traction for claws, so getting around is easy. It's usually dry and clean too.

Perhaps I should petition for carpet equality for lizards. Maybe it's time I took responsibility for the less fortunate, and tried to make their lives better. And why stop at carpet? Heat rocks, comfy logs, and pancakes for all lizards. I could even donate some of my coconut husk to provide a nice bed for someone.

What do you think? Would you sign my carpet equality petition? Who would I send it to?

Advocatingly,
Mikey

Inseparable Pursuits

When did the scientists become so separated from the artists?

I mentioned in my last post that I am an artist. Some folk wondered at this, since I have also claimed to follow a scientific persuasion.

Yes, I can be both. I am a philosopher, an explorer, a lover of good food, an occasional poet, and many other things beside. I am a scientist in that I always have to know what's under the couch, and an artist through my talents in getting there. Science and art can't be distinguished as separate entities. Without the creativity of art, science would stagnate and stall, while art without knowledge can never have a purpose, be it psychological, social, physical, or otherwise.

I am a thinker. I warm my brain every morning on my heat rock, and spend my days attempting to understand what I observe. Tell me: is that the life of a scientist or an artist?

I'll bet all of you are both too. You're all interested in the way the world works in some respect or other, as well as in expressing what you see and think. I challenge you to definitively explain if you believe you are an artist without science or a scientist without art.

Give me a brush, and I will paint the light, the life, and the glory that is made real by science. I will paint it well, as I love it for the beauty in the way it works. Explain to me the life of a butterfly, or the wonder of the stars, and I will listen with rapturous awe for the unimaginable creativity sustaining the universe. I will ponder for hours the perfection and struggles of the world.

I embrace the science of art and the art of science. All at once. And the world is amazing.

Ever-curiously,
Mikey

Smiling Without Lips

My lady person asked me this morning how to tell when I’m happy. She said mammals move their ears, wag their tails, twitch the skin of their faces into different expressions to show their state of mind.

As you can imagine, that isn’t my style. I move the skin of my face to open my mouth or close my eyes, but that’s about it. The idea of tail-wagging embarrasses me. And I don’t have external flaps of skin involved in my auditory senses. You could say I’m an artist of the minimalist expressionism genus.

I think Georgi likes me a little more now.

So, when am I happy? How do you tell? You don’t. You feed me fruit, or cheese, or pancakes, and I’ll either be happy to eat it, or I’ll leave it. If I’m asleep on my heat rock, I’m probably quite content.

This sharing of thoughts is quite new to me. I hope you’re all enjoying a non-human perspective; it may not be common. I hear web connection is difficult for creatures without thumbs. At least they can smile, I suppose. I don’t mind keeping my emotions behind my scaly armour, to be honest.

Perhaps keep this in mind: I am well-fed, warm, and comfortable. Whether you can see it or not, I’m smiling.

Confidingly,

Mikey

Bird Brains

I was hanging out with my people the other day while they were talking about birds.

I've never thought much of birds. They swoop around pretending they're cool and making unnecessarily repetitive (and often grating) sounds. They're always misplacing their feathers, and one even tried to rush me while I was outside in my wire pen. Admittedly, I was amused to watch it untangle itself from the mesh, but that doesn't make it any less stupid.

Apparently, this is not the case for all birds. My people were telling stories of birds solving puzzles, using keys, even communicating in the people's language without need of a keyboard and internet connection. One could reportedly order from the dinner menu, and insist on its people getting it right: a skill I would find moderately useful. Some birds are quite clever, it seems. I may need to re-evaluate my position regarding my flying distant cousins.

Or I may just need to watch a few more try to fly gracefully through a glass door.

Skeptically,
Mikey

We Also Demand Cake

I like Guy Person's dad. True sympathisers understand that the birthday cake should be divided between all guests, not just the warm-blooded ones.

And no, Mother, the size of the slice is, in fact, irrelevant. Cake equality means I get as much as you do, regardless of my small stature, even if the slice is then larger than me. And it isn't all bad for me. I know Black Forest cakes tend to be rich in chocolate and filled with jam and cream, but there's also fruit in it. Not all of us dislike those candied cherries, right, Guy Person?

I haven't eaten for nearly two weeks to make room for this cake. I've refused all of the ham, chicken, grapes, toast, and cupcake you've offered me. Just for this. Why deny me? I've been so good! I've even spent many hours sitting on my heat rock or exercising so that I can enjoy this mountain of deliciousness!

No, it doesn't mollify me when you say you'll enjoy it extra for me.

Oh, right. Happy Birthday, Guy Person. I wouldn't have bitten you this morning if I'd known.

Black-Forest-Birthday-Cake-less-ly,
Mikey

Winter Housing

It sounds cold outside, so I’m blogging from under my hot rock. 

I quite like rain in the summer. I’m not allowed to go out in it though; my wire pen wouldn’t stand up to it, apparently. So I sit in my water bowl instead. But when the wind blows and the roof sings under the onslaught, the world doesn’t feel summery anymore.

Another cold season is upon us, friends. Time to fatten up and find a place to hide out. Deciding on a winter den can be frustrating, so I thought I’d share the wisdom of my experiences with you.

Choose somewhere dark. This is the most important point. Nothing interrupts a good winter sleep like dawn or your people turning on the light.

Underground is advisable. The further down I dig, the less likely my people are to disturb me.

Don’t be distracted by a warm place. If you’re too warm, you’ll be restless. Best to let your blood cool and your metabolism slow for the season, and you’ll get a good rest for when spring comes around again.

Finally, if you find somewhere under a nice, solid feature, like a rock or large water bowl, try to make it work. You’ll sleep more deeply with the knowledge that you’re in a secure place.

Oh, and make sure you’ve got your Ethernet cable. Once you’ve settled in, you won’t want to get back up.

Good luck!

Advisingly,

Mikey

A Long Night

Ever had those days when you’re glad it’s morning?

Little tiny fragments of ghost harassed me all night—the snails I’ve eaten, maybe, or geckoes I’ve laughed at—and wouldn’t let me sleep. They oozily chittered in my ears, crawled over my scales on their frosty bellies, and slithered up my nose to tweak my brain.

I took it like a man for a few hours. I hoped they’d have their fun, see no reaction from me, and leave me alone. Not so. They pinched my feet and pulled my tail until I’d had quite enough.

I waited for another one to try the nose trick, and swallowed it whole when it touched my face. I’d swung around and eaten another one by the time the rest realised what had happened. They tasted rather refreshing, actually. Very cool and smooth in the throat.

They flew in frenzied panic around my log, then launched themselves in a swarm out toward the living room through my glass... including the ones in my belly. I smacked into the glass side-on, feeling the delicious little ghosts wrench themselves out of my body to follow their accomplices into the night. Smooshed up against the glass, I watched them disappear with a bluish light that faded slowly until there was nothing left in the room but me and the shadows.

I looked up to find that Georgi had snored through the entire incident. I rolled my eyes at her, and rested my head on the glass. Feeling strangely nauseous, I just slept where I was. So I was still crushed against the wall of my tank when my people found me in the morning.

They thought it was hilarious.

That’s okay though. I’m pretty smug about showing a flock of supernatural beasties who’s boss.

Triumphantly,

Mikey

Holiday

At last! Something rolled over and we got our internet back! Whatever-it-was must have been laying on it.

The last few days have been quite pleasant. My Lady Person gave me some steak for dinner a few nights ago--apparently it was a special occasion--and the house smelt of something tasty I'm not supposed to eat. I'll find a crumb of this 'chocolate' somewhere, I guarantee it.

Georgi said Easter happened over the weekend, so people are safe from their fins and we all get to eat fruit buns. I didn't even know people had fins, or that somebody had to sleep for a few days to protect them from said fins. I should've asked Sparky, my fish friend. He might have known. Georgi just rolled her eyes at me, but she'll forget about it soon enough.

Anyway, I saw the night lizard again. I'm pretty sure it's a gecko, but I've never seen such a big one in my life. One of these evenings it'll come down to say hello, as neighbours are apparently supposed to do (Mother always makes me meet everyone who comes to call. They usually love me.), and I'll know for sure.

Admittedly, I have no new thoughts to share this time. I've been exploring the house beyond my glass, and helping my Guy Person fight phantoms on his laptop. I'm slowly mastering the mouse.

Lazily,
Mikey

For a Love of Laptops

I was out and about on the dining room table today, watching my guy person play a game. Something about a force. It looked like fun, actually. So I tried to give it a go.

Keyboards and mice were apparently not crafted with my stature in mind. There was no way I could reach all of the control keys with only my front legs, and I can't see very well if I lie sideways across the board. Guy Person said I hit something, but I couldn't even tell you what. Apparently I was talking to his guild-mates (whatever they are) too: probably because I couldn't tell what my tail was doing.

The mouse was a little better, but disengaging it from Guy Person was tricky. I had to nudge my way under his hand until he got the idea and let go. I think I was using it backwards, but there wasn't enough room to turn around. Clicking is fun! I made the person on the screen run all over the place.

Sadly, I didn't manage to achieve much. I can't move between the controls as quickly as someone who can reach them all at once. I'll say this though; laptop keyboards are very comfortable for a quick nap.

Pwning,
Mikey

The Bravery of Clouds

Well, I'm glad that's over for now. I almost wish more people had seen my shiny new skin before I buried myself and got it dirty. But I do like digging.
While I was busy though, my people went a little crazy on the internet. I'm not sure how they managed to burn through it so fast, but it's beside the point anyway. We're on short data rations for the next two weeks, so unfortunately, I may be posting slightly erratically for that period. I apologise. I don't have the authority over my people I thought I did. Fear not, I will discipline them with hisses and evil eyes.

I was outside today in my protective wire box when water started falling from the sky. This has happened before, I know. I felt it worth mentioning because the fall was quite heavy despite the persistance of the sunlight. I may have to rethink my stance on the flightiness and weak will of clouds; I had thought them incapable of standing their ground unless in groups large enough to simply take over the sky. Perhaps they can muster some courage when they want to.

Can you really know the mind of a cloud anyway?

Idly,
Mikey

Itchy: A Poem

It begins with a niggle
That becomes a tickle
And turns into an itch
I cannot scratch:

Under my belly
And over my back
From my tail to my nose,
Even my toes.

I get so grumpy
While my skin goes lumpy;
I can’t sleep at night
My skin’s so tight.

Until with slithering rustle
And wriggling bustle
I shrug it away.
I’m free today!

I like to be shiny
With shimmering scales,
But it’s just my luck;
Shedding really sucks.

Shinily,

Mikey

Am I Not Lizard Enough?

My people need better internet. Honestly.

So they discovered a game about feeding lizards. I kid you not. My lady person is upset because she can't have it; something about eye phones or what have you. What possible purpose could your eyes have for their own telephone? And why would it play games?

Regardless, they're using this marvel of technology to feed pretend lizards, while a real, live lizard is right here, begging for table scraps. I don't even need an eye phone.

Mother, dearest, why not show off your 3D lizard to guy person? I'll sit here and eat as much as you want to feed me, and you can enjoy that for free! Every single day!

Incomprehendingly,
Mikey

Shady Neighbours

My lady person met another lizard at a party yesterday, and she didn't bring him home to meet me. So, Zeus, if you're ever in the neighbourhood, feel free to drop in and say hi. I'll save you some banana, since the coffee is kept well out of my reach.

Just be wary. There's something else living here. I've seen it a couple of times, shimmying around in the cornices. I always keep half an eye open, and so far it hasn't come close enough to bother me, but I don't know if it'll keep its distance forever. At the moment, there are enough little spiders around to sate its appetite (they moved in with the lady's furniture), but I'm sure it'll come after my cornflakes and fruit juice eventually. Honey is amazing. Did you know that? I discovered this morning that syrup isn't confined to the maple variety.

I digress. Georgi is less than pleased by our invisible neighbour. She spent an hour attempting to persuade me to save her, poor damsel in distress that she is, last time we spotted it.

I wonder if it's tasty.

Stealthily,
Mikey

Grand Opening Day

Good evening friends!

I'd like to thank you all for coming to support me in my new endeavour. Feel free to browse; everything in the gallery is for sale.

I wouldn't have seen the success I have without you, and I have had a fantastic time getting to know you all. I may have tried to take a bite out of many of you, but believe me when I say there was no spite in any of those teethmarks. Especially considering I have no teeth, technically. Particular apologies to the wild one. You were just quite tasty.

To the undernourished one, I say eat more pancakes. To his lovely friend, the giggling one, I say feed him (and me) more pancakes. To the ever-delightful bouncy one, I look forward to our next cuddle. To the big one at your shoulder, I swear it's totally platonic.

To the wild one, I hope you take the land across the water by storm. To the pale one, come back and take a better picture of me!

To my guy person, I've heard about 'brohood' and I'd like to think we have it. You've been pretty cool.

To my lady person's mum, the bringer of meat, eggs, and all things delicious, I love you. You're awesome.

And to my lady person, my dear mother, everything I have, you gave me. Thankyou.

Cheers, everyone.

Acknowledgingly,
Mikey

Science in a Box

By the process of elimination, I have decided that I’m a philosopher. Philosophy is delightfully conducive to lying around on heat rocks all day looking pensive, especially considering the dismal weather we’ve had lately. I currently wonder why clouds look like mashed potatoes. I’m sure my scientifically-oriented guy person could tell me, but where’s the fun in that?

Speaking of my guy person, he showed me a video yesterday of smoke coming out of a cardboard box, and cups falling over on a desk. Something about a vortex and polystyrene. I didn’t really get it. My lady friend made all the right ‘I see!’ type noises, but I suspect she didn’t get it either.

Georgi just muttered something about polystyrene mammals and biodegradable poisons or something and sulked. Girls. Oh, and I said I’d post an apology for spelling her name incorrectly in my last entry. There you go, Georgi; that was it. She says Georgi is French. I’m not sure I believe that either, but I’m not about to argue with her. It just isn’t that important.

The weather outside looks cold, so I’m going to go and ponder the clouds on my rock.

Contemplatively,

Mikey

Looking Through Glass: A Poem

My sky is white not far above, my horizons close and beige,
My sun is warm, and cracked, and dull, but comfortable with age.
My dreams are filled with maple love and cakes fried in the pan,
And I wake to fill my belly with as many as I can.

I watch as days and nights go by in a filtered orange hue
And hold my measured silence as the wisest dragons do;
I think on everything I see as I try to understand
The people I’ve grown fond of living in my little land.

I’ve come to know my many friends o’er the last three years,
Seen them laugh or throw a tantrum or crumble into tears.
As much as I love all my friends, they’re everything I feared.
You all do the strangest things. Damn, you folk are weird.

Unonomatopoeically,

Mikey