Smiling Without Lips

My lady person asked me this morning how to tell when I’m happy. She said mammals move their ears, wag their tails, twitch the skin of their faces into different expressions to show their state of mind.

As you can imagine, that isn’t my style. I move the skin of my face to open my mouth or close my eyes, but that’s about it. The idea of tail-wagging embarrasses me. And I don’t have external flaps of skin involved in my auditory senses. You could say I’m an artist of the minimalist expressionism genus.

I think Georgi likes me a little more now.

So, when am I happy? How do you tell? You don’t. You feed me fruit, or cheese, or pancakes, and I’ll either be happy to eat it, or I’ll leave it. If I’m asleep on my heat rock, I’m probably quite content.

This sharing of thoughts is quite new to me. I hope you’re all enjoying a non-human perspective; it may not be common. I hear web connection is difficult for creatures without thumbs. At least they can smile, I suppose. I don’t mind keeping my emotions behind my scaly armour, to be honest.

Perhaps keep this in mind: I am well-fed, warm, and comfortable. Whether you can see it or not, I’m smiling.

Confidingly,

Mikey

Bird Brains

I was hanging out with my people the other day while they were talking about birds.

I've never thought much of birds. They swoop around pretending they're cool and making unnecessarily repetitive (and often grating) sounds. They're always misplacing their feathers, and one even tried to rush me while I was outside in my wire pen. Admittedly, I was amused to watch it untangle itself from the mesh, but that doesn't make it any less stupid.

Apparently, this is not the case for all birds. My people were telling stories of birds solving puzzles, using keys, even communicating in the people's language without need of a keyboard and internet connection. One could reportedly order from the dinner menu, and insist on its people getting it right: a skill I would find moderately useful. Some birds are quite clever, it seems. I may need to re-evaluate my position regarding my flying distant cousins.

Or I may just need to watch a few more try to fly gracefully through a glass door.

Skeptically,
Mikey

We Also Demand Cake

I like Guy Person's dad. True sympathisers understand that the birthday cake should be divided between all guests, not just the warm-blooded ones.

And no, Mother, the size of the slice is, in fact, irrelevant. Cake equality means I get as much as you do, regardless of my small stature, even if the slice is then larger than me. And it isn't all bad for me. I know Black Forest cakes tend to be rich in chocolate and filled with jam and cream, but there's also fruit in it. Not all of us dislike those candied cherries, right, Guy Person?

I haven't eaten for nearly two weeks to make room for this cake. I've refused all of the ham, chicken, grapes, toast, and cupcake you've offered me. Just for this. Why deny me? I've been so good! I've even spent many hours sitting on my heat rock or exercising so that I can enjoy this mountain of deliciousness!

No, it doesn't mollify me when you say you'll enjoy it extra for me.

Oh, right. Happy Birthday, Guy Person. I wouldn't have bitten you this morning if I'd known.

Black-Forest-Birthday-Cake-less-ly,
Mikey

Winter Housing

It sounds cold outside, so I’m blogging from under my hot rock. 

I quite like rain in the summer. I’m not allowed to go out in it though; my wire pen wouldn’t stand up to it, apparently. So I sit in my water bowl instead. But when the wind blows and the roof sings under the onslaught, the world doesn’t feel summery anymore.

Another cold season is upon us, friends. Time to fatten up and find a place to hide out. Deciding on a winter den can be frustrating, so I thought I’d share the wisdom of my experiences with you.

Choose somewhere dark. This is the most important point. Nothing interrupts a good winter sleep like dawn or your people turning on the light.

Underground is advisable. The further down I dig, the less likely my people are to disturb me.

Don’t be distracted by a warm place. If you’re too warm, you’ll be restless. Best to let your blood cool and your metabolism slow for the season, and you’ll get a good rest for when spring comes around again.

Finally, if you find somewhere under a nice, solid feature, like a rock or large water bowl, try to make it work. You’ll sleep more deeply with the knowledge that you’re in a secure place.

Oh, and make sure you’ve got your Ethernet cable. Once you’ve settled in, you won’t want to get back up.

Good luck!

Advisingly,

Mikey

A Long Night

Ever had those days when you’re glad it’s morning?

Little tiny fragments of ghost harassed me all night—the snails I’ve eaten, maybe, or geckoes I’ve laughed at—and wouldn’t let me sleep. They oozily chittered in my ears, crawled over my scales on their frosty bellies, and slithered up my nose to tweak my brain.

I took it like a man for a few hours. I hoped they’d have their fun, see no reaction from me, and leave me alone. Not so. They pinched my feet and pulled my tail until I’d had quite enough.

I waited for another one to try the nose trick, and swallowed it whole when it touched my face. I’d swung around and eaten another one by the time the rest realised what had happened. They tasted rather refreshing, actually. Very cool and smooth in the throat.

They flew in frenzied panic around my log, then launched themselves in a swarm out toward the living room through my glass... including the ones in my belly. I smacked into the glass side-on, feeling the delicious little ghosts wrench themselves out of my body to follow their accomplices into the night. Smooshed up against the glass, I watched them disappear with a bluish light that faded slowly until there was nothing left in the room but me and the shadows.

I looked up to find that Georgi had snored through the entire incident. I rolled my eyes at her, and rested my head on the glass. Feeling strangely nauseous, I just slept where I was. So I was still crushed against the wall of my tank when my people found me in the morning.

They thought it was hilarious.

That’s okay though. I’m pretty smug about showing a flock of supernatural beasties who’s boss.

Triumphantly,

Mikey

Holiday

At last! Something rolled over and we got our internet back! Whatever-it-was must have been laying on it.

The last few days have been quite pleasant. My Lady Person gave me some steak for dinner a few nights ago--apparently it was a special occasion--and the house smelt of something tasty I'm not supposed to eat. I'll find a crumb of this 'chocolate' somewhere, I guarantee it.

Georgi said Easter happened over the weekend, so people are safe from their fins and we all get to eat fruit buns. I didn't even know people had fins, or that somebody had to sleep for a few days to protect them from said fins. I should've asked Sparky, my fish friend. He might have known. Georgi just rolled her eyes at me, but she'll forget about it soon enough.

Anyway, I saw the night lizard again. I'm pretty sure it's a gecko, but I've never seen such a big one in my life. One of these evenings it'll come down to say hello, as neighbours are apparently supposed to do (Mother always makes me meet everyone who comes to call. They usually love me.), and I'll know for sure.

Admittedly, I have no new thoughts to share this time. I've been exploring the house beyond my glass, and helping my Guy Person fight phantoms on his laptop. I'm slowly mastering the mouse.

Lazily,
Mikey

For a Love of Laptops

I was out and about on the dining room table today, watching my guy person play a game. Something about a force. It looked like fun, actually. So I tried to give it a go.

Keyboards and mice were apparently not crafted with my stature in mind. There was no way I could reach all of the control keys with only my front legs, and I can't see very well if I lie sideways across the board. Guy Person said I hit something, but I couldn't even tell you what. Apparently I was talking to his guild-mates (whatever they are) too: probably because I couldn't tell what my tail was doing.

The mouse was a little better, but disengaging it from Guy Person was tricky. I had to nudge my way under his hand until he got the idea and let go. I think I was using it backwards, but there wasn't enough room to turn around. Clicking is fun! I made the person on the screen run all over the place.

Sadly, I didn't manage to achieve much. I can't move between the controls as quickly as someone who can reach them all at once. I'll say this though; laptop keyboards are very comfortable for a quick nap.

Pwning,
Mikey